I Remember The Boy...

At the Moma

I'm a creature of habit. Everytime I start a new blog, I read my old posts and I came across this entry from my Friendster blog. I remember who I wrote it for but sadly (or not?) I no longer feel the same. It's a classic case of "I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore".

I wasn’t looking for love, wasn’t too eager to find it.  But then, you came and I "started falling".  It’s a good thing that I hadn’t fallen yet… because you left.  Not even a goodbye.

I didn’t want to nurse an "almost broken" heart.  So I thought of forgetting about love.  But somebody came along.  He became my sunshine.  He made me look forward to each day.  I was ready to hand him my heart.  Then you came back.  Your light eclipsed his.  Your light was so bright I was blinded by it.  So blind that I didn’t even notice that one day it was gone.  You flitted out of my life as quickly as you came.

But I didn’t sulk.  I didn’t cry.  And my bravery caught another man’s eye.  He made me hear my own heartbeat beating in tune with the other beautiful sounds of the world.  I was about to share my heart’s rhythm with his.  Then you showed up and made my heartbeat the ONLY sound I heard, drowning all the others.  I was getting used to that lone sound when suddenly I heard the chirping of a bird.  Then I realized it’s coz you weren’t near.

I was mad but not a single tear fell.  I was not about to give in to misery.  No siree!  So I closed my eyes and vowed never again.  I walked about not seeing and bumped into somebody who understood my pain.  His soothing voice made me smile.  I thought, "Surely, he’s the ONE!"  But once again, you sang your way into my life.  Your familiar voice drowned out his comforts.  And I found myself singing.  Chorus after chorus, verse after verse, we sang.  I wondered if this time is for life.  But no sooner had I asked, I REALIZED I COULDN’T STAY.

I had somewhere else to go.  Did I want you to come?  I wasn’t sure.  I didn’t want to take you and watch you walk away again.  So I packed my bags and left WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.  Revenge was not my game.  You weren’t either.  I had to go.  I was somehow hoping that you’d follow.  But you didn’t.  Surely I’d forget.  But I missed your laughter.  I missed your voice.  I realized I was wrong.  I had to go back.

And when I saw you there, I was happy beyond measure.  So glad to find you waiting.  But then I caught your eyes.  You weren’t looking at me with that smile across your face.  You were looking at somewhere beyond.  Somewhere I could not see,  Yes, you were waiting.  But you were not waiting for me.

That’s when I heard it.  The ear-piercing shatter of something breaking.  I didn’t recognize it.  But the sound was unmistakable.  I recognized the tinker.  It was my heart.  For a moment I stood there.  Willing myself to speak.  Willing myself to ask.  But words eluded me.  I looked into your face… full of anticipation, excitement, hope.  And right there, I knew.  You were the one my heart loved.

You are the MAN my heart loves.  I didn’t know it then.  How could I have?  My life was a helter-skelter of a lot of things, a lot of changes.  And as I looked back, there was only one thing constant… YOU.  There exactly at the right moment.

I could only wish you gave me time to consider it.  But you were always gone before I could think about it.

Now, your happiness lies somewhere else, with somebody else.  How I wish I could hold your gaze and tell you, "I’m here.  I’m the one you’re waiting for."  But, I don’t want to shatter your dreams.  I love you too much.  Too damn much.  I could only stand here and cry.  Yes, finally, cry.