No Deadlines

“Let’s plan your wedding so it’ll all be ready when you meet someone!” My sister blurted out those words a few days ago. She was never one to fuss about my relationship status so her comment caught me by surprise and amused me to no end.

I’m also in the 6th chapter of The Dating Manifesto: A Drama-Free Plan for Pursuing Marriage with Purpose and the author, Lisa Anderson, all but said, “What are you waiting for? Get married already!” Hahaha. Anderson posits that a majority of us are called to married life and the reason we are not is a lack of action. Instead of actively pursuing marriage, we are waiting for it to just happen. In short, we are not desperate enough to be married. I, certainly, am not. 

In the book, Anderson vacillates between the fear of being alone, the shame/guilt/stigma that remaining single brings, and the realization that she shouldn’t be having those feelings because of the truth she knows in the God she serves. I appreciate her honesty but I don’t share her sentiments. The rare times I felt I needed a husband were when I encountered car troubles or wanted to travel somewhere and my friends were not available for various reasons (e.g., finances, kids, or busy with work). But those never brought me to a downward spiral of self-pity and loneliness in the same way it did her.

For people who think like I do, the motivation to be in a relationship diminishes when you’re happy despite the absence of a husband/wife. I get that happiness is relative and that thresholds have individual variances; but when your happiness is not hinged on another person, you don’t feel the urgency to tie the knot. 

People who love to spend time with their own thoughts don’t often feel the need to be validated by another’s presence. Although they may appreciate someone they could connect to in an organic manner, they don’t necessarily crave it over the pleasure of having time for introspection. Meaningful banter with a kindred spirit is sometimes not worth the price of giving up those quiet moments alone when you can hear yourself think whenever, wherever.

The freedom to drop whatever you’re doing at a moment’s notice to go out with friends, change your plans, or relocate and start over somewhere else is a luxury not often available to those who are married, especially those who have kids. When you’re  in a committed relationship, you’re obligated to involve them in your decisions and it could be an uphill climb, depending on the person you’re married to. 

Then there’s the need to compromise and adjust. Some don’t welcome the thought of switching up the eccentric ways they do things such as how they manage their finances, how often they do the laundry, or how they prefer to binge watch their favorite shows. Marriage is a give-and-take that involves a string of concessions.

Anderson argues that it’s these seemingly trivial inconveniences that make marriage necessary for a person’s development; it teaches you valuable lessons that you wouldn’t otherwise learn by staying single. However, I counter that not all lessons are necessary; important, maybe, but not a must for growth. 

The decision to marry is utterly personal and no one has the right to dictate whether it’s something that should occupy your thoughts on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I have not shunned the thought of marriage. I also don’t think I’m called to a lifetime of singlehood. It is something that I can see happening at the right time. Am I actively pursuing it? No. Am I one of those who think that whether it happens or not, it’s okay? Yes.

Don’t sweat it. If it’s bound to happen, it’ll happen. Who knows? One of these days, you might meet someone for whom you’ll be willing to trade your happy, carefree, and satisfying life in exchange for something that could potentially be complicated; someone worth all the compromises and adjustments. Miracles happen all the time.

In response to my sister, I said, “You never know. An amazing man may just be around the corner!”

She loved that. 

Solo.