A Long Walk

EJ (a woman I just met today): I’m thinking about leaving my husband after 15 years. 

Me: Why?

EJ: I feel like I don’t know him anymore and we’re both trapped in this marriage. [she then proceeded to tell me about their problems for the next 20 mins]

Me: Do you still love him?

EJ: I don’t know. 

Do I have a sign on my head that says, “Talk to me about your marriage issues. I’m an expert!”? Not that I mind. It’s actually educational and gives me an idea on what NOT to do (haha), plus it gives me material for a book I’m trying to write; but no matter how many times I find myself in these situations, I’m still caught off guard. 

Her story is not that different from any of the others I have heard, especially among those who have been married for as long as they have. Couples with years under their belts tend to get complacent and take things for granted. They hang out less, talk less, and care less under the assumption that they already know everything there is to know about each other. Some stay in the marriage because they don’t want to break the commitment they made but they feel stuck, unhappy, and bitter. 

I am by no means an expert but I know a thing or two about relationships. I know that it requires work; because if you care about something (or someone) you make an effort. Knowing someone, how they think, what makes them angry or laugh or cry, what’s important to them, what scares them, and why they do what they do, does not just happen. And what you know about that person now may not be true 10 years later. A marriage cannot operate on assumptions. Whether you’re together for a year or 50 years, paying attention to your partner, their changing needs, and working on how you can keep growing side by side should be a daily occurrence. 

It is not easy or simple but it is doable. Talk to each other about your day, hold hands, share a meal, cook for them, binge-watch a series together, go for long drives, do the house chores, text each other love notes, get lost in a foreign country, or watch the sunset in silence. Little random acts of affection like these may sound corny but they could make a big difference. 

Marriage, or any type of relationship for that matter, is not always a nice leisurely stroll in the park; it could be a long walk through dirt roads or a climb up steep paths. Some may need more work (and lots of prayers) than others but every one has battles to fight; however if you tackle them as a team, it gets easier.

A steep climb.