Follow... Me?

Whether I choose to or not, I often find myself in a position where people look up to me for answers, decisions, and actions. I'm so close to believing that I actually have a sign on my forehead that says, "Here I am. I'll do it!" I don't necessarily balk at helping people with their work-related questions or personal decisions because it's a privilege to be able to when you can. And I enjoy tackling and analyzing issues, solving problems/mysteries, and discuss ideas that nobody else is willing to. It's a happy place. But when mistakes are made, I bear the burden alone. And I find it heavy sometimes. Heaven's doors have fist-sized dents on them with my name on it.

As I hinted in my previous post, I have been at the helm in a lot of different capacities. As the oldest daughter, my parents saw to it that I was not asleep at the wheel because I was expected to carry the mantle when they're not around. This upbringing has spilled over to the roles I played in school, at work, and in my social life. Sometimes the responsibility is placed by someone on my shoulders, but more often than not, I take it upon myself because no one else will. There have been times when I wished someone on this side of eternity would relieve me of this burden, of this desire to make sure that things go well for everyone. At certain moments, I still look around for someone who would step up when I'm not able to or when I don't want to; to allow me to breathe, let my mind go blank, and simply follow.

When I moved to New York, I thought I could escape the old me. I thought I could lose myself in this big city and be re-launched as someone else. It was a clean slate that I looked forward to when I packed my bags. But I soon learned it doesn't work that way. One can never really escape who they are. I don't know where this is coming from. Maybe it's just my feverish brain talking but as I reflect on these things, I remember a post I wrote on my Wordpress blog several years ago related to these current thoughts.

----

My World

(November 10, 2004)

In a world where people look up to you, you have to project an image assuring them that you are sturdy enough for them to lean on—that you would never crumble. That is my world. Believe it or not, some would even expect me to be Wonder Woman or Super Woman or whatever because they expect me to never get tired, never complain, never get bored. They think I could do anything. They think I could solve all their problems. They think that nothing bothers me. They think…

Sometimes, I would be holding something so heavy over my head that I would just feel my knees buckling. But I’m not allowed to waver. That’s not how a leader should be. Even if you’re scared, you have to be at the frontlines. Even if your strength is failing, you have to carry the heaviest load. Even if your sanity is hanging by a thread, you have to make wise decisions. People would expect you to be head and shoulders above them in everything. If they can walk 100 miles, you have to be able to carry on for 200. You cannot make a mistake. You cannot falter. You cannot fail them. They expect you to be a super human. No, they expect you to be perfect.

If you are the leader, it’s always your fault. When something goes wrong, it’s the leader’s head that’s on the line. When the plan doesn’t work, the leader wasn’t good enough. When the team members are unhappy and unmotivated, the leader is accountable. That’s just the way it is.

I know it sounds a bit too unreasonable. But that’s the harsh reality. Who do the people blame when there’s no food on their table? Who do we blame when the peso devaluates? Who do we blame when the crime rate goes up? Do you think people would blame themselves? My point exactly.

So, why don’t I just quit? Why don’t I look for a job where I’d be regarded as an equal? Where I would be allowed to enjoy my imperfections for a change. Where my mistakes would be considered negligible. Why not? Because even though I have to carry some extra burden that I don’t need to, I am happy.

I am happy when I see my team mates achieve a goal. I am happy when I see a team member develop from that klutzy beginner that I coached to an expert in their line of work. I am happy when they approach me with a problem because they know that I would be there to listen to them. Or when they share with me their victories because they know I would rejoice with them.

Yes, it entails a lot of sacrifice. You may even have to sow in tears. But, the rewards are definitely beyond compare.

To all the leaders out there, don’t waver in your cause. You are in a position to make a difference in the lives of many. No, you wouldn’t please everybody. You’d be scoffed at, mocked, defied. Not everybody will listen to you. Just do what you were commissioned to do. Don’t be discouraged. At the end of the road, the GREAT LEADER would welcome you with a, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Heavy.