Don’t Look Back

The decision to pack my bags, leave the only home I knew, and start over in New York City—where I didn’t know a single soul—sounded difficult to most of my friends. To me, however, it was a no-brainer. I imagined it every day since I was a child and when it finally came, I was ecstatic beyond belief. That is, until things got real.

Dreams have a way of sounding romantic in your head. You surround it with roses and chocolates, flavor it with adventure, populate it with knights and princes, and sprinkle it with pixie dust. You put it in a bubble and look at it every night; but you forget that bubbles burst. I woke up one August morning in 2005 and realized with a sinking feeling that the empty one bedroom apartment where I cried myself to sleep looked nothing like the fairy tale I imagined. 

But things got better with time; they always do. I met new friends, learned to love new people, sought places I haven’t been, and found the magic I searched for. Dreams don’t often turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes they turn into something more beautiful; even though, in my case, it took some time to get there.  

Now, as I sit in a coffee shop at a Barnes & Noble with a view of the Philippine Consulate, I wonder how different things would be if I stayed. I had a great life there. Why did I leave when I didn’t need to? That first year in NYC was spent beating myself up because I reached a point where I was convinced that I left out of impulse spurred by a childish, ill-informed, fanciful dream filled with nothing but empty promises. In hindsight, however, it’s a choice I would make again. In a heartbeat. Is it the best one I’ve made so far? Who knows? But I know that had I not done it, I would always wonder. 

The coffee in my hand is getting cold as I consider the thought of yet another adventure. One that involves the familiar excitement of leaving a comfort zone to pursue that childhood dream once again; to see the world and experience it as a local; to live in places I have only read in books, seen in movies, or ogled at on Instagram. Only this time, there are no bubbles, no pixie dust, and no roses; just the anticipation of a journey that could go either way. But whether good or bad, difficult or easy, I have a strong sense that it will be worth it. Dreams always are. 

Dreaming.