What Did You Expect?

Expectations are the breeding ground for seeds of animosity and offense to thrive, particularly unmet ones. It is not wrong to have them in a relationship. It is not uncommon to expect loyalty, trust, honesty, and even displays of affection from a friend, a sibling, a child, a parent, or a spouse. In fact they are foundations upon which strong bonds are formed.

People, however, are far from infallible. No matter how much they love you, they will fail you on more than one occasion. From trivial things such as forget to call you on your birthday, put the car keys on the kitchen counter instead of on the shelf, be late for a date, or refuse to throw out the trash to serious ones like say/do something offensive, not show up when you need them the most, ignore your efforts to get their attention, lie, or cheat on you. 

Often the question is not whether they will fail you but how you will react when they do. Do you value the relationship enough to forget the offense and move on? How willing are you to overlook the small annoyances that peeve you? Is the love between the two of you enough to weather the fiercest of storms such as infidelity?

There are no easy answers. I used to think that in order to avoid the pain of unmet expectations is to not expect anything at all. Doing so would make you less predisposed to having your heart broken but it also takes away one of the key elements of a strong relationship: allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the other person. 

Instead of avoiding expectations, which is unrealistic to begin with, a good course of action would be to communicate constantly. Make your expectations known and expose your feelings every time they are not met. If you want your husband to tell you he loves you every day, tell him. If you want your wife to binge watch a TV series with you instead of go out with her friends on a Friday night, tell her. If you think you are not able to give them what they want, tell them and discuss your options. Lack of communication compounds the effects of unmet expectations. Do not allow disappointment to lead to anger by not confessing it. 

A willingness to forgive and drop matters that you don’t need to dwell on is also an essential component. Remember that the tables could turn and find yourself falling short. So forgive them when they don’t pick up the dry cleaning even when they said they would or can’t make it to dinner on time because they have to stay longer at work. Instead of focusing on their shortcomings, notice the wonderful and amazing things about them; how they smile at you in the morning or call you just to say they love you or remember to DVR the show you’ve been anticipating. 

Relationships are hard work. It takes effort from everyone involved for it to go the distance and complacency should not be allowed to set in. Get to know the other person better every day. No one stays the same day in and day out. We all evolve and so do the things we hope for, what we want in a committed relationship, and how certain things affect us. So talk, listen, forgive, learn, and keep working at it.

Not everything can be expected to happen as surely as the rising sun.