It's Not You, It's Me

Men and women have types, people they're drawn to: skinny, buff, tall, petite, clean cut, edgy, etc. Yes, when the subject comes up, it's almost always the physical aspects that are referred to. That's not a bad thing in itself. A package wrapped in frills and furbelows often catch our eyes; that's how we were wired and society is a willing accomplice. There are also those who are attracted to people depending on their temperaments, inclinations, popularity, talents, or personality. As a result, people have a tendency to reject the affections of those who don't catch their fancy; and that's not a bad thing either.

So what do you do when someone tells you you're not their type? That's like hearing a prison sentence for some, especially when you're a teenager struggling to find your identity or a sixth grader who fell hard for a boy for the first time or a 30-year-old desperate to be married. I don't think there's an effective ten-step strategy anywhere that would lessen the blow of a snub. We all desire to be accepted, liked, loved; that's our nature. We were made for connection, for relationships; and more often than not this involves the risk of getting a cold shoulder or a remark such as, "I'm sorry, I'm just not into you."

At the heart of it, a rejection does not mean you're inadequate or that getting struck by lightning is more likely than finding someone who will love you back. Preferences are intensely personal and largely influenced by culture, demographic, religion, upbringing, and social status. It's not unheard of for a Filipino girl to shun the affections of a gorgeous Filipino dude because she is into dark African men. Or of a super genius saying no to another super genius because he prefers a woman who can make him laugh instead of challenge his theories on the blackhole. 

Attraction is also a chemical phenomenon. There's simply no arguing against adrenaline, testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. And a lot of people rely heavily on the physiological reactions that's going on within them when making decisions on who to date. There's nothing wrong with that. It, however, emphasizes the truth that the phrase "it's not about you" is quite accurate on the hormonal level.

Yet despite knowing all that, rejection still stings. It's not uncommon to be heartbroken when our affections are not reciprocated simply because our eyes are not blue enough or that we can't groove like JLo "on the floor". But that's okay. Allow the hurt to envelop you, nurse your bruised ego, cry your eyes out if you have to, then brush it off, and wait for the person who would look at you as though you're made of ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. 

At the end of the day, it's not attraction that holds a relationship together. There comes a point where the bond between two people better be stronger than a rush of adrenaline because it has ebbs and flows. Those who rely on "types" to find a lifetime partner could potentially miss a really great match. People are highly complex; we are seldom what we seem on the outside. And if we are quick to tack on a "not my type" label on someone based on the little that we know about them, we may have walked away from a love like no other. What a loss!

Look beyond what you see.