Long Fall

Sixth grade. Miss M walked into our class tailed by a boy with a buzz cut and backpack falling off his shoulders. He followed her so closely I laughed at the thought that he'd crash right into her butt if she stopped short for a millisecond.

"Good morning, class! This is K, he's new to our school and I expect you all to help him get settled. J, he'll be in your homeroom group and I trust you'll help him get up to speed."

K approached me with his hand up to his mouth covering it with a handkerchief.

"Hewo. Mish M shaid I cun ship nesh to you."

"Huh?"

"She shaid I cun ship on thish sher."

"Huh?"

He removed the hanky from his mouth, pointed to the chair next to me and said, "Can I sit on that chair?"

"Oh! For a moment there I thought you were saying something in Chinese."

At lunch, I opted not to eat and read instead. I sat by myself in a tiny corner away from the crowd and the noise. K gingerly sat down across from me but I pretended not to notice because I was in no mood to socialize.

"Anne of Green Gables? Do you use big words?"

"If you have big ideas, you have to use big words to express them, haven't you?" I responded in what I imagined to be Anne Shirley's matter-of-fact and no-nonsense voice.

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think!" He countered to my delight. 

By some stroke of heaven's genius, this painfully shy boy from California who barely looked anyone in the eye when he talked, spoke my language. Only a handful can. Can you blame me if I tell you I went home that day with stars in my eyes? I was smitten and in love (or so I thought at 12; I clearly didn't know any better). 

Falling in love is glorious! When it happens at the right time and with someone who feels the same way, it could be one great adventure you'd want no end to.

Christmas party. He stepped up to the microphone in the gym and sang:

     Pasko na sinta ko

     Hanap-hanap kita

     Bakit nagtatampo nilisan ako

     Kung mawawala ka sa piling ko sinta

     Paano ang Pasko, inulila mo

He looked back over his shoulder to the tiny corner I tried to hide myself in and smiled. He motioned for me to come up and sing with him. I don't know how many times I replayed that particular moment over the course of many years and wished I was brave enough to say yes. But instead I smiled back, shook my head, and left the room. From the hallway, I felt every heart melt at his deep voice. Mine was one of them.

The next few weeks that followed, I walked to school with a spring in my steps; excited at the thought of seeing him. I saw what I wanted to see, heard what I wanted to hear, and felt what I wanted to feel. What an utterly colorful tapestry of days those were! When you're "in love", everything looks beautiful!

Until they turn ugly. 

February 14. The boys were giving girls flowers. I got some roses from boys I didn't care for. There was only one that mattered and I waited for it with bated breaths. 

A gift-wrapped box in hand, he shyly sat next to me a few minutes before afternoon homeroom started. I don't remember how it looked like but I imagined all sorts of things that could possibly be inside that big box. Books, perhaps? I was tickled pink at that thought. But then he said:

"Will you give this to Eliza? Please."

I don't remember the walk home that day or the day after. Or the day after. I grieved for a long time. I cried myself to sleep that entire summer. Wrote poems and sad stories and guarded my heart like a sentinel. I swore to never allow assumptions to deceive me again. I don't know how many times friends have said that so and so is interested in me. But until a guy explicitly told me he liked me, I refused to be sucked into that vortex of uncertainty. Sixth grade could not and should not happen again, I promised.

After K, I've set my eyes on a few guys. Nothing serious; crushes more like. The pain I felt at 12 years old was enough to deter me from mooning and pining over any of them. There are better things to do than sit in your bed thinking about a person who does not know or care that you exist. 

It's normal to feel something about someone you have a strong attraction to. It's not wrong to admire them from a distance and maybe even imagine an entire life together with them. It's not healthy to wrap a bubble around your heart and not allow yourself to feel. Go ahead, fall in love, be disappointed, and fall in love again. But to the extent that you expect something of and from the other person when you shouldn't is a dangerous cliff to dive from. A mentor I trust and respect once told me that if a man loves you he would move heaven and earth to pursue you. If they're not doing that, well, you may want to rethink whether all the time you spend thinking about him is worth it. 

Guys and girls, sometimes someone just really wants to be friends with you and nothing else. But that's not a bad thing. When did we start believing the concept that the "friend zone" is the worst possible place you could be in. If you ask me, that zone is where magic happens. Friendship is a gift that one shouldn't squander. But if you are really keen on pursuing something more with a person, ask them. Never assume. And if they don't feel the same way, move on. You can not make love happen.

"Falling in love" is glorious! When it happens at the right time and with someone who feels the same way, it could be one great adventure you'd want no end to. A word of caution though: emotions could be deceitful and dangerous; and the stronger and more potent those feelings are, the greater the potential for an earth shaking heartbreak. Unrequited love could be one of life's great tragedies if you allow it to. Don't. 

"...with her heart racing, breath quickening, she tucked her clammy hands inside the oversized pockets of her pink romper, walked into class and hoped that today he would notice..."

(It's a long fall from way up there.)