Identity and Relationships

People are challenging to deal with; no exceptions (including ourselves). There may be days when a hike up a mountain or reading a book on a deserted beach is all we could think of. Sometimes a break from humanity is what we need to stay sane. Relationships are hard work; but they are essential. So essential that God, through Paul in his letter to the Ephesians, laid out guidelines on how we should go about them. 

We can be alone in an island and survive; but our souls and spirits would cry out for what they're missing because we were created for companionship. We need each other because that's how we were fashioned. It is in our DNA to seek a connection with another human being. But if that's how things were designed by the Creator, then shouldn't relating to people, accepting their faults, and not judging their quirks be second nature to us? Why is it that we occasionally rub each other the wrong way and intentionally push buttons we shouldn't? Tainted friendships, sibling rivalry, failed marriages, contentious relations with colleagues... Don't all these prove that we're better off leaving each other alone?

After the fall of Adam and Eve, God's original design for our lives (and relationships) have been tainted by sin. When we were supposed to trust each other with our naked and vulnerable selves, we hide behind a facade of strength. When we were supposed to follow God's divine order, we make our own rules. We have forgotten who we are, what we're supposed to do, why we're here, and where we're going. Sin blinded us to the truth of our identities and so our daily walk is mired with insecurities. We hate ourselves and wish we could be that man/woman who seem to have their lives in order. We wish for a reality other than our own. We are so familiar and intolerant of our flaws that when we get close enough to someone, we can't see past theirs either. And yet we wonder why we don't get along!

But God! He knew from the moment He created us that we would turn our backs on him so He provided a way back through the cross. Paul said in Ephesians‬ ‭1:4-6, "For He CHOSE us in Him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He PREDESTINED us to be ADOPTED through Jesus Christ for Himself, according to His favor and will, to the praise of His glorious grace that He FAVORED us with in the Beloved.”

Chosen. Adopted. Predestined. Favored. This is who we are. Even before we were born, God gave us an identity. We are His children and He is our Father. This knowledge is powerful. When we see ourselves through God's eyes and we look at our spouses, friends, coworkers, sisters, parents, neighbors, and that inconsiderate driver on the expressway through those same lenses, it changes how we relate with each other. When we know that our (and that of another's) value is inherent in our God-given identity and not on the opinions of others... doesn't it take a lot of weight off our shoulders? Doesn't it make us kinder and more patient of our spouse's faults? Doesn't it make a coworker's loud and opinionated voice a bit bearable?

However, though grasping the truth of our special status in God's heart is a stable foundation to stand on, it is not a magical pill that will suddenly solve all of our relational problems; because, let's face it we live in a fallen world, surrounded by sinners, of which we may be one of the worst. Despite our desire to hearken to Paul's entreaties in Ephesians 5:1-2 (i.e., follow God's example as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love as Jesus loved us), we continue to struggle against our own flesh. That is why we need to continually make a conscious decision to be intentional in the way we love our wives, or in submitting to our husbands, or how we honor and obey our parents, or in training our children, or in respecting those who have authority over us and not abusing those who serve under us. 

Relationships are hard work because it involves at least two imperfect people who would somehow, in spite of their best efforts, occasionally disappoint each other. We must be careful, however, to remember that as we grapple with trying to understand our spouses' temperaments or our bosses' irrational behavior that we don't fall into the trap of thinking that we are fighting against them because they are not the enemies. Paul says that our fight is “not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heaven" (Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬). So the next time we're tempted to put a coworker in their place for saying some mean things against us, it might be better to call to mind who our real enemy is and show kindness to that person instead. Love, after all, covers a multitude of wrongs. 

It is important to note, however, that there will be times when we need to stay away from toxic relationships with those who could put us and the other people we value in danger (i.e., physically, verbally, psychologically, or emotionally abusive). Not because we'd rather forget about them but because God may be doing something in their lives, maybe a healing or restoration process that is best accomplished apart from us. In such situations, the best way we can help them is to keep our distance and pray. As Paul says in his closing remarks to the Ephesians (6:18), “Pray at all times in the Spirit with every prayer and request, and stay alert in this with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints.”

If there's one thing I learned from reading the book of Ephesians it's this: I cannot truly love another if I do not love myself; I cannot truly love myself if I don't know who I am; I cannot know who I am if I don't know Him who loved me first... the sheer magnitude of it, its depth I could never fathom. 

A speck, yet special

Blind, yet beautiful

Chipped, yet chosen

Foolish, yet found

Lowly, yet loved