Troubled and Distressed

About two weeks ago, my fiancé (M) did an online Bible study titled "What We Can Learn From Jesus in Times of Crises" and for this purpose he highlighted John 12:27-28 which states:

Now my soul is troubled and distressed, and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour [of trial and agony]? But it was for this very purpose that I have come to this hour [that I might undergo it]. [Rather I will say,] Father, glorify (honor and extol) Your [own] name! Then there came a voice out of heaven saying, I have already glorified it, and I will glorify it again. (AMPC)

I wish I could detail every point he shared in that session because I'm sure it will be a blessing to you, my dear readers. It's a reminder that we don't have to be ashamed or feel we're less spiritual when our humanity gets the better of us. Jesus, the son of the Living God, who Himself is God, felt all the emotions we had. In that moment in Gethsemane, he was TROUBLED and DISTRESSED the same way we are when faced with situations we can't seem to handle.

But the reason I'm writing this is not to echo the great insights M underscored in the Bible study but rather to share a story of how God orchestrates certain things in our lives to send each of us a very personal message. The past three weeks of my life in coronavirus quarantine is a testament to that. Every book, every song, every Bible verse He sends our way is a love letter from Him, signed, sealed, and delivered with the utmost precision of a God who longs for us to give Him our undivided attention.

A week before the Bible study, my fiancé sang this song on Facebook Live:

Jesus, You're the sweetest name of all

Jesus, You always hear me when I call

Oh Jesus, you pick me up each time I fall

You're the sweetest, the sweetest name of all

Jesus, how I love to praise Your name

Jesus, You're still the first the last the same

Oh Jesus, You died and took away my shame

You're the sweetest, the sweetest name of all

My first encounter with Jesus was not when I gave my life to Him and asked Him to be my personal Lord and Savior. The first time I met Him was at a music class in grade school when I learned this song. I had a troubled childhood. Mostly because I felt so deeply, thought too frequently, and internalized everything. My grandmother told me that at 2 or 3 years old, I spent hours sitting on the stairs that looked out to the garden and stared. I had friends but I felt none of them truly understood me. So I lived in my head, wrote poems and songs and stories on my journals, and talked to myself. And then Jesus happened.

I KNEW OF Jesus because I was raised in a Catholic household; but when I sang this song for the first time, it was as though Jesus personally stood in front of me and asked me to be His best friend. He knew I needed one. So it's not a mystery why of the hundreds of Gospel tunes that I hum in my head all day, these lines are the ones I cry to in the shower on my saddest, down-in-the-trenches, I-don't-want-to-stop-crying days. But you're probably wondering how this relates to John 12:27-28. I'm getting to that very soon.

When I heard the song again, I was so overwhelmed with emotion I frantically (but unsuccessfully) searched for the blog article I wrote about it several years ago. When you've believed something your whole life and it suddenly dawns on you just how much that faith has sustained you... it's mind-blowing. And when M talked about that verse in John, the gravity of what Jesus went through FOR ME hit my heart so intensely. His hearing my call and picking me up EACH TIME I fall did not come without a price. He went through a state of being TROUBLED and DISTRESSED on the way to the cross so I could have access to that privilege. Such love!

The song... the verse... I can't fully describe to you how these two seemingly separate events have worked together to get me to a place where I heard God speak to me distinctly. One of the recurring conversations I've had with M is how I feel so strongly about making my life count. He has listened to me ramble on about my desire to do this and that, go here and there, and pitch my own ideas of how I want God to use me. In my desire to DO THINGS for His glory (eager beaver that I am), I have forgotten to rest in His presence the way Mary did and scurried around in the "kitchen" like Martha instead. Jesus went through a TROUBLED and DISTRESSED state so I could enjoy that REST. But what have I done?

Rest.