What if I stayed?

Home. I have been thinking about it since the coronavirus pandemic started. When I last visited in February, I had a chance to walk around our neighborhood and marvelled at how much it has changed. The view of the mountains that used to greet me in the morning is M.I.A and there are now more houses than rice fields. I felt some nostalgia for the good old days. Fifteen years, that's how long I've been away. And though I visit three times a year, I could never seem to fit in quite the way I used to. I can't help but wonder how different life would be if I never left. I no longer dwell in "what ifs" nowadays, but today I made an exception to write this post. What if I stayed?

Thoughts of where I'd be working and living crossed my mind. Would I still be in the same company I loved being a part of? Would I have stayed in my parents' house the same way my sisters have? Or would I have eventually moved on to something else? And instead of pursuing a higher degree and focusing on my career, would I have chosen a different path? Would travelling the world still be at the top of my list? Would my dreams be any different?

I am aware that thinking of such things is futile. These questions couldn't be answered in any meaningful way or in a manner that would add value to my life. However, this short exercise had me counting my blessings and appreciative of what I do have. Yes, I went through some really bad days that saw me longing for the familiarity, safety, and security of home but I know with a certainty that, knowing what I know now, I would not hesitate making the same decisions. The trials I faced at the beginning of my journey away from home has produced something that probably would not have happened had I stayed in my comfort zone.

There was a time when I almost gave up on the dream of leaving. Years of waiting for a dream to come to pass does that sometimes. I somehow convinced myself that I didn't need to be anywhere else. I was happy, had a great job that paid really well, felt accomplished in what I was doing in the corporate world, and was surrounded by people who cared about me. When you have that, what's the point of longing for anything else? But God has a way of fulfilling His will and purposes for our lives no matter which turn we take. 

When I came face-to-face with my mortality two and a half months ago, my first thought was not, "I wish I could be home right now". What popped into my head as I processed the moment that SUV crashed into my car were the promises God gave me and the dreams He had planted deep in my spirit. And those dreams are not anywhere near my old zip code by a long shot. 

Home is nice. Each time I'm there it fills me with the warm and fuzzies. I would never think of home without a smile on my face. It's where I could always go and be welcome. It may no longer feel the same way it used to but I know that in the arms of the people who love me (and who I fiercely love in return), I would always belong. But as much as my heart aches to be close to them (especially during these uncertain times), I know I would never go back there and stay. As much as I enjoy the brief moments I get to spend with my family and old friends and reminisce about the past, my path no longer takes me there.

Home, but different.