I Forgot That You Existed

"The Queen of Moving On" is what a friend dubbed me after an "almost relationship" didn't work out. Everyone knew he was pursuing me and I seriously considered him at some point. We dated for a few months (or was it almost a year, I forget) before things turned awry. I stopped texting him, stopped taking his calls, and a few days later I changed my number. And within a month or so, I have completely erased any trace of him from my life.

Turning the page on that chapter wasn't challenging in the least. It helped that the reason for the abrupt end was something I perceived to be a flaw in his character, one that I couldn't tolerate at that time. Perhaps, if I had deeper feelings for him I'd have reacted differently, more positively I guess. It's true that I started developing some special feelings for the guy but not to the point of being invested. So I ran.

Closing a book, getting off the train, moving on... regardless of how you call it, it is a process. The length of which depends on several factors such as the nature of the relationship, the depth of the emotions involved, the physical and intimate investments made, and how it was terminated. It could take months, years, even decades. Some people wake up one day after 30 years and realized they have not completely gotten over their first love. It's sad but it's true.

Two or three years ago, J, the guy referred to in the opening paragraphs added me as a friend on Facebook. After an initial hesitation, I accepted the invite. I figured it's been more than a decade since we had whatever we had. He appeared to be happily married with a child he dotes on. It was harmless, I thought. Yes, we could be friends, I thought. 

One day I received a long private message from him. He suggested it would be nice to walk down memory lane and recall the times we shared together. All the red flags in my brain went off. Call my judgments faulty but am I wrong in thinking that a married man has no business sending a message to a former love interest and suggest what we dared suggest? I ignored the message, deleted it, and unfriended him.

Any person, man or woman, fears ending up with someone who is still hung up on someone else. How are you able to fully give your all to one person if a part of you still belongs to another? As no one can serve two masters without their loyalities divided, nor can they love two individuals without hurting everyone involved. I certainly hope I misread that entire situation with J and it was nothing but a friendly gesture and not what I thought it was. Because if I was right, my heart goes out to his wife. 

Taylor Swift's song I forgot That You Existed brought up this memory. Our mutual friend said that he was heartbroken by how I nonchalantly acted as though we were never in each others' lives and understandably so. Admittedly, there are better ways to turn down someone's offer of love and I did none of those. I panicked and I fled. The fact that I was young and immature is not a valid excuse for how I behaved. In the intervening years that followed I have prayed earnestly that he would heal, forgive, and forget about me. And it is still my prayer that he could now say:

     I forgot that you existed

     It isn't love, it isn't hate

     It's just indifference

     (So, yeah)

Ride on.